The mom's plight: multitasking

(Reprinted from franklyjournaling.blogspot.com, 11/22/09)

I read an article recently about multitasking. The author’s main point was that multitasking is not actually more efficient, much as we’d like to believe so, because in reality our brains can really only focus on one thing at a time. So when we think we are multitasking, we are actually switch-tasking, albeit very rapidly. But every time we switch tasks, different neurons in our brains have to fire up or fire down, so we actually lose small bits of time with every switch.

In addition to this alarming piece of information, the author also presented this nice tidbit: the more we multitask, the more our brains actually change shape physically… and it was insinuated that this change was not one for the better. Therefore, he very evenly and rationally proposed, we would be much benefited if we simply just did one thing at a time, focusing solely on it until its completion.

As I read this, alarm bells started going off in my head as I recognized the effects of this phenomenon in my own life. My thoughts/words were something like:

“DING! DING! That’s just what – Rayna, stop pushing him – my problem – Colsen you can’t put that on your face! – is when I – DING! DING! What? I mean when I multi – Shoot, Strider can you pull that off the stove before it boils over? – DING! Is that the microwave? Or the washing machine? What was I doing here in this room?”

Eventually, though, I had enough pieces of thoughts to finally string them together into one coherent conclusion: THANKS A LOT BUDDY. I believe your hypothesis – that my neurons are exhausted with all their constant firing up and firing down as I switch from one thing to the next (times a million). And while that does give me some explanation for why they are all sweaty and complaining all the time (and are they setting up sleeping bags under my eyes to rest? That would explain THAT issue as well), it also plunges me into despair, because I cannot hope to attain the solution: focusing on one thing at a time.

The chipper author matter-of-factly just set about his day, from thence forth, striving to do one thing at a time. He ate his breakfast, drank his coffee, turned on his computer, did some writing, read the newspaper, etc… all in a nice peaceful succession.

If I tried doing just one thing at once, one or more members of this family would be in great peril, something we were planning to eat would burn, we would completely run out of clothes to wear, AND my children would be illiterate forever, among about 782 other negative outcomes. Moms have no choice; we must switch-task at the approximate rate of 37 things/second, or bad things happen.

I can’t even load the dishwasher after a meal from start to finish anymore. In the 6 minutes it takes to put the dishes in, I have to stop about 3 times to move Miles away from the dishwasher as he tries to put the dirty knives in his mouth, twice to call Strider to come play with Miles in another room, once to go help Colsen in the bathroom, once to answer the phone, and 16 times to tell kids to stop doing something. Not only are my neurons getting a workout, but my hands are dried to the texture of leather by the time I finish re-washing them 22 times in that span of 6 minutes.

Even my simple skincare routine is not possible in my current state of life. According to this “routine” I am supposed to put one potion on my face in the morning, let it dry, then put another lotion on. In the span of 2 minutes that it takes for the first to dry, it is very likely that I will have had to: start a load of laundry, wash the hardened toothpaste off the kids’ sink, make 2 beds, start breakfast, get 2 people dressed, and checked my email. Needless to say, that 2nd step gets forgotten about 80% of the time. So now I’m walking around without sunscreen!

My neurons are exhausted, my hands are leathery, my face will soon be leathery, and my brain is now incapable of composing and expressing a complete thought all in a row. And they say motherhood isn’t glamorous?

I guess it’s good to know what the diagnosis is anyway, even if I can’t do anything about my multitasking inefficiency. And the other good news is that even though I don’t have time to give my body a workout these days, at least my neurons are getting a massive one. If it doesn’t kill them, that is. I need to go get some Neuron Gatorade.

"The Wisest of Women Builds Her House...", (Proverbs 14:1) by Denise Johnson

"The Wisest of Women Builds Her House……..", (Proverbs 14:1). 

One of the most memorable and wonderful miracles in my life was the day of our wedding! It seems like it was yesterday when we exchanged wedding vows and our pastor's wife charged me with a scripture verse from Proverbs:14:1, "The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down".  I was so excited when I heard those words! I couldn't wait to be all that God called me to be as a wife and mother! However, it wasn't too long after those words were spoken to me that I would oftentimes become discouraged, especially after having children.

Building my house required more than the physical duties I pursued, (i.e. cleaning, cooking), but rather the spiritual duties, (i.e. prayer, bible reading). Since it was somewhat of a challenge to read God's word when they were born, I asked my husband to purchase the bible on CD for my birthday, (this was before bible apps). :) So, every morning, I would listen to the bible while my children watched Sesame Street.  Though I was multitasking throughout the day, it encouraged me nonetheless.  When my husband returned home from work, I would "try" to wait at least thirty minutes to tell him about my day, while encouraging him at the same time. :)

Then, after dinner when everyone was "content", I would take a quick walk to re-energize, (Matthew 14:23). Taking time for yourself is of primary importance in caring for your home.  I am reminded of the times when my family and I would board an airplane; the flight attendant would always remind the adults, (in case of an emergency), to place the oxygen mask on yourself first before placing them on your younger ones. As a mom, this is a daily challenge for me, but by the grace of God, and sixteen years later, I am encouraged to press-on!

"I press toward the mark toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus", (Philippians 3:14).

One way God uses two-year olds

Dear Mom of Littles,

I have always wanted children.  Always.  From as far back as I can remember.  I was eager to help shape and mold a little life.  To raise a child who would be kind, considerate, loving, full of joy and most of all, full of Jesus!  I could hardly wait to see how God would use me in the life of my child.

What I did not see coming was how God would use my own child to speak into my heart, to draw me to Him, and (more often that I would like to admit) to chide me.

I could speak for days on the ways my children have taught me about God, about grace, about the unending love (and patience) of Jesus.  Today I am thinking particularly about a time that I was gently chided.

My oldest was around two years old and we were playing outside. She wanted to ride her little bike so we were in the front yard playing in the driveway.  She was having so much fun, but kept trying to venture into the street.  I kept scolding and bringing her back into the driveway to keep her safe.  We went through this little dance over and over again and I was getting so exasperated!  If she continued to disobey we would need to end the fun of playing outside and head back into the house.

I remember thinking, "If she would only listen to me I would not have to discipline her!".  And then it hit me.  Standing there as the parent, I could see the danger of my little one venturing out into the street.  But as a full-of-life, naive two year old, she could not. The rules I was insisting upon were there to keep her safe, not to ruin her fun or punish her needlessly.

It was in that moment that I could sense the Spirit moving in my heart.  God's voice is much the same:  Jen, if you would only listen to Me, to follow My commands, I would not have to discipline you.  My rules are for your benefit, not your harm.

This is a lesson I have been taught over and again (thank goodness for patience and grace!).  And this is just one way God used my two year old in my life.

One reason you might be tired

Dear Young Mom,

Do you feel tired?  Hahahahaha, I crack myself up.  Of course you do!  Many factors contribute to the universal exhaustion we all feel, and chief among them is that we don't sleep much at night anymore, due to little ones crying, nursing, having bad dreams, etc.

Even if you were to get a good night's sleep, though -- and don't you want to just shout "Hallelujah" on the mornings you wake up and realize NO ONE woke you up last night?? --  I bet you'd still be tired.  And here's one reason why:  you have more "needs" now than you did before you were a mom.

A diagram that got lodged in my brain sometime during the ol' school days was Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.  (My theory is that this diagram shows up in about 60% of all textbooks every written, so you may have seen it.)  To refresh your memory, it looks like this:

The theory basically states that you need to fulfill the needs at the bottom of the pyramid before you can start focusing on the ones above.  In other words, if you're starving, your esteem needs are really not your concern.

(I realize there are some problems with this theory and a lot of people don't like it, but just bear with me here)

What happens when you become a mother, though, is that this pyramid suddenly becomes a lot taller.  It looks something more like this:



There have been many days that I've been running around making sure everyone got fed and to their naps on time, and only realized at 12:30 that I had never even had breakfast!

Trying to attend to all of those rungs in the hierarchy is enough to make anyone tired.  And it's enough to make anyone feel very NEEDY.

One verse that I memorized early on in my years of motherhood was Psalm 40:17.  "As for me, I am poor and needy, but the Lord takes thought for me."  The Lord is thinking about you right now!  He knows all your needs -- and all your kids' needs -- and He will take care of you.

In fact, that's the next part of the verse:  "You are my help and my deliverer; do not delay, O my God!"  He will not be late, but will carry you through even now, in your fatigue.  Yes, it can be a weary road and the needs may be great, but it's then that we get to see Him show up with even greater strength than we noticed before.  Our needs are greater -- but He's even greater than our needs!

Emotional roller coasters

Dear Young Mom,

Do your emotions get a work-out pretty much every day?  There is something about being a mom that brings this to a whole new level!

Here is something I wrote years ago when my kids were little:

What Do You Do When....

.... when you're already pretty ornery because the kids have been screaming and provoking each other all afternoon, and it's too rainy to send them outside.  Then you have a very frustrating dinner-making time because your husband is working all night and the kids are all hovering around the kitchen like helicopters seeking to destroy everything within reach with their rotor blades and you have to say, "no" or "stop" 532 times during the process...

.... and then you finally get dinner on the table, after explaining to your daughter for 153rd time that the placemats are supposed to match each other when she sets the table, and you all sit down to eat, and just as your 1-year old son starts his familiar refrain of "don't like beans, mama! don't like beans, mama! don't like beans, mama!" your daughter picks up her soft-shell taco and immediately drops all of the contents therein onto the floor? What do you do?

And then you look down and realize there are now numerous pieces of ground turkey, tomatoes, black beans, onions and cheese, all quickly being absorbed into the rug below the table.... what do you do? You figure vacumming or dust-busting will be gross, right? So you get the trash can and go down on your hands and knees to pick up every little piece? What do you say?

I won't repeat all of what I chose to say.... But I will summarize by saying that the theme of it was largely that all 3 of them were going to go to bed very early tonight.

But then what do you do when in the midst of your fuming and raving (assuming you're anything like me), your daughter starts saying in a very quiet, sweet voice, "I'm so sorry, Mommy. I'm sorry." And when you acknowledge that you hear her, she says, "I forgive you, Mama. I forgive you." What do you do?

And then when she gets sent to the other room to wait so she'll stop stepping on all the food particles while you get a spray bottle out, and you hear her amusing herself by repeating "... And the Word was with God, and the Word was God" (part of the verse she learned in class today), what do you think?

And then when your older son comes and gives you his last special piece of chocolate afterwards, and you realize it's because he feels bad that you were so angry (assuming you're anything like me), what do you do?

And then what do you do when you try to thank him and kindly offer it back, and he says, "But wouldn't this mean I don't have to go bed early tonight after all??" and you realize it was actually just a bribe?

Ah, motherhood. So many emotions in even a simple taco dinner.
***

I remember, young mom, that the days were intense -- and they still are!  The Holy Spirit is whispering to us in them all, using the moments to not just teach our children, but us as well.  Praise Him!

The battle of fairness

While much of our childhood memories fade as we grow into adulthood, I'm sure we all have moments we remember of feeling like our parents were being unfair.  Particularly if you have siblings and you felt they were being treated differently (namely better!) than you.

I definitely have memories like that, and my 13 year-old self decided I would be completely equitable in child-rearing when I was a mother.  I didn't want my kids to feel the same way I had.

So what I never saw coming as a parent was needing to treat each of my children differently in how they are talked with, loved, and disciplined.  Yes, I said needing.  My childhood self wanted everything fair but didn't have enough foresight to realize that fairness takes on unique qualities when you are talking about different people, different personalities and different levels of stubbornness.  ;-)

My first child was into EVERYTHING!  And she didn't like to listen.  As new parents, we were armed with ideals of disciplining.  We were going to do things one way and that was going to work. Except it didn't.

Time-outs?  Worthless.  A little smack on the hand?  That drew a smile and an immediate return to the unwanted behavior.  Using a sharp tone of voice?  Nope.  She didn't even notice the change.  Putting her in the corner?  That worked for a day.  I was elated to find something that was hitting home...until the next day when said child asked to be put in the corner because it was fun. Rats!  After trial and error, trial and error, trial and error, we discovered a few things that worked (like taking away her most favorite treats/foods), but discipline with this little one was no easy task.

Along came child #2.  I figured we were golden.  We know what works with our kids now and life will be so much easier this time.  Except it wasn't.

Removing favorite foods/treats?  Didn't faze him - he couldn't have cared less.  But changing the tone of my voice?  Immediately got his attention and stopped him in his tracks.  Wait, what?!?

It was then that I realized I must learn to "speak the language" that each of my children will understand.  And that language was different for one than it was for the other.

This applies to not only discipline, but also to relating to them and loving them well.  If I want to spend time with my daughter I know that taking her out for ice cream or talking about books is the way to go.  But my son?  Time playing Mario Kart or 4-square is right up his alley.

As my kids have gotten older I have seen more and more clearly that fairness/equitability doesn't necessarily mean that you do the same thing for each child.  It means that you take the uniqueness of your children into account and go from there.

When you feel like you're getting nothing done

Dear Young Mom,

Do you have those days when you feel like everything you do is just getting undone?  And you've made no progress on anything by the end of the day -- in fact, you feel like you've lost ground?

Believe me, I can relate. Really, I can.

The house may look like a wreck, but let me encourage you that you are doing something very significant.

The story of Hannah in the Bible gets my heart every time.  She grieves when she can't have children, rejoices when she finally does -- and then leaves her precious baby at the doorstep of a priest (who didn't have the best record in raising his own children!).  Every year, though, she brings little Samuel a little robe that she has stitched for him.

In order to make this robe each year, she had to know what size he was.  She probably pictured his little body the whole time she was making it, no doubt praying for him with each stitch.

And this is us, mothers.  Fathers are wonderful creatures, and play such an important role in our children's lives.  But it's the mothers who know their exact sizes, who know them intimately enough to make them little robes.  (This is figurative in my case because my sewing skills are abysmal!)

So, yes, it may feel like we aren't doing anything.... but we are.  We're pouring into these precious lives, and unlike Hannah, we get to actually be with them while we do it.  Tonight when you go to bed, don't think about the state of your house, the piles of unfolded laundry or the dishes in the sink, but remember that the little one you put to bed is just slightly bigger than he was when he woke up this morning.... and your heart probably is, too.