The battle of fairness

While much of our childhood memories fade as we grow into adulthood, I'm sure we all have moments we remember of feeling like our parents were being unfair.  Particularly if you have siblings and you felt they were being treated differently (namely better!) than you.

I definitely have memories like that, and my 13 year-old self decided I would be completely equitable in child-rearing when I was a mother.  I didn't want my kids to feel the same way I had.

So what I never saw coming as a parent was needing to treat each of my children differently in how they are talked with, loved, and disciplined.  Yes, I said needing.  My childhood self wanted everything fair but didn't have enough foresight to realize that fairness takes on unique qualities when you are talking about different people, different personalities and different levels of stubbornness.  ;-)

My first child was into EVERYTHING!  And she didn't like to listen.  As new parents, we were armed with ideals of disciplining.  We were going to do things one way and that was going to work. Except it didn't.

Time-outs?  Worthless.  A little smack on the hand?  That drew a smile and an immediate return to the unwanted behavior.  Using a sharp tone of voice?  Nope.  She didn't even notice the change.  Putting her in the corner?  That worked for a day.  I was elated to find something that was hitting home...until the next day when said child asked to be put in the corner because it was fun. Rats!  After trial and error, trial and error, trial and error, we discovered a few things that worked (like taking away her most favorite treats/foods), but discipline with this little one was no easy task.

Along came child #2.  I figured we were golden.  We know what works with our kids now and life will be so much easier this time.  Except it wasn't.

Removing favorite foods/treats?  Didn't faze him - he couldn't have cared less.  But changing the tone of my voice?  Immediately got his attention and stopped him in his tracks.  Wait, what?!?

It was then that I realized I must learn to "speak the language" that each of my children will understand.  And that language was different for one than it was for the other.

This applies to not only discipline, but also to relating to them and loving them well.  If I want to spend time with my daughter I know that taking her out for ice cream or talking about books is the way to go.  But my son?  Time playing Mario Kart or 4-square is right up his alley.

As my kids have gotten older I have seen more and more clearly that fairness/equitability doesn't necessarily mean that you do the same thing for each child.  It means that you take the uniqueness of your children into account and go from there.